It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
