Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
PANTIES FOUND
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