girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
