They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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