Your dad touched me again.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize