sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
