i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
