make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
