So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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