the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
