just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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