at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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