the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
