chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
