More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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