i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
