I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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