I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
