At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
