he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
