Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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