i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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