it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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