how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
