The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
