i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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