There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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