So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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