He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
