I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
