everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
His hands were made for my vagina.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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