you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
