I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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