so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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