so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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