i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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