they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
