You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
