i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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