i love accidental penises.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
