i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
