your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
