This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
