I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just pee around me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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