At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
