I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
