i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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