My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
