my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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