This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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