sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
