Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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